KEEP MOUTH CLOSED WHILE CHEWING, PLEASE!!!

I was considering my dinner choices at a fabulous restaurant the other night when what should have been a delicious prospect was immediately spoiled when I looked over the top of the menu and caught a nearby diner chewing with his mouth wide open.

The guy was having potatoes, carrots and some type of meat. Yes, I know, too much information, which is exactly what I thought myself and of course, must share.

All of that food was churning around and around and around and around, much like what my friend Jack would have described as resembling "a blender with the top off." How the food stayed in there was anybody's guess.

Opting not to upset my dinner companion, I mentioned nothing and focused entirely on what was in front of me for the duration of the next few minutes. Fortunately, this guy was a combo Open Mouth Chewer/Fast Eater and devoured his rations quickly.

What amazed me most, though, was Mr.Open Mouth Chewer/Fast Eater was sitting right across from Mrs. Open Mouth Chewer/Fast Eater, an elegant lady who appeared very much engrossed in conversation with him, while the rest of us who were also able to catch the revolting and revolving view were just grossed out.

Mrs. Open Mouth Chewer/Fast Eater is living proof that love really is blind, or Mr. Open Mouth Chewer/Fast Eater must have a boatload of money.

I could launch into my rant about people who chew gum and snap it, but I'll leave it for next time.

Amen, and pass the mustard, with the top closed, please.