OOOF!! THOSE POUFS!!

The Oscar Run is over, the votes were tabulated and a whole bunch of brand new gold statuettes are shining on the mantelpieces of last night's winners.

While some may be analyzing the incredible upset for Best Director and Best Film -- the victorious Katherine Bigelow (Hurt Locker) versus her ex-husband James Cameron (Avatar) -- for the foreseable future, I'm planting this one right out there today while the memory is fresh.

What was up with those pouffy dresses?

I mean, Vera Farmiga looked like she was being attacked by giant, undulating fuschia mushrooms. They began at her feet and stopped somewhere along her clavicle, and I was on pins and needles because I thought it wouldn't be long before they devoured her arms and head, too.


As if Farmiga's dress wasn't cartoonish enough,  Zoe Saldana looked like the creators of her ensemble ran out of fabric dye somewhere in the process.  And what was going on around the hemline, if you can find the hemline? The only thing missing in the whole shebang is a hat with fruit piled on top.  This was, by the way, from the creative director of Givenchy, who once dressed the likes of Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly and Jackie-O. Brrrr.

What really kills me is that these are very high profile women who because of that profile are sought out by designers to sport their wares. The gowns, the jewelry, the hair and the makekup are carefully thought out by stylists, people like Rachel Zoe who make it their business to make others look good. 

So there you are on the famous red carpet -- surrounded by movie legends now and the ghosts of movie legends of long ago. As an actor this is your moment to shine both professionally and physically.  And this is the best you can do?

It should not take much to figure out how to do the red carpet right.  I have one piece of advice: Helen Mirren. The woman is the bomb, and not the one from the Hurt Locker.

While I am at this, let me say one other thing: what  was Antonio Banderas thinking?

Amen, and pass the mustard.

THE OSCAR RUN

I don't remember exactly how The Oscar Run got started, but these days it's a midwinter rite. Let me 'splain, Lucy.

What is The Oscar Run?
A marathon viewing of as many Oscar nominated movies as possible prior to the airing of the awards show in March.

Who are the participants?
My friend Mary and myself are the original Oscar Runners, although very recently we allowed her husband Albert to dash along with us. (He's still spinning.)


When does The Oscar Run begin?
Officially, The Oscar Run begins around the time of the Golden Globes.


How did The Oscar Run get started?
If the participants were to plan this sort of thing, we would start going to these movies as they are released. But as pseudo-adrenaline junkies, we both prefer the rush of cramming everything at the last minute.

So how does The Oscar Run work?
The final weeks prior to the awards happen at a breakneck pace. Since at that point some of the films are no longer on the big screen, a massive hunt begins for second tier theaters at which they may be playing, as long as they are within reasonable distance. It might be necessary to view several films in one afternoon, starting with an early early matinee.


What does one wear to The Oscar Run?
While it's fabulous to sport red carpet wear at the Oscars, The Oscar Run demands comfortable clothing that will go with the flow. Sweatpants, sweatshirts and sneakers are derigueur. Always carry a large handbag (see below).


Is there a special diet for The Oscar Run?
Participants usually fortify themselves with large bottles of water, popcorn, Good & Plenty, Pirate Mix and seasonal fruit. (Nothing with peels like bananas). Pack it all in advance in the aforementioned large handbag.

Are there any health hazards?
There may be difficulty readjusting to daylight after spending an entire day watching films in the dark.


Any final recommendations for The Oscar Run?
Bring blankets with you, sometimes the theaters are cold.


Amen, and pass the mustard.

AVATAR BLUES

AvatarAvatar is an okay movie. Yes, people, just okay.

It has a time worn plot (boy meets blue girl, boy turns blue, blue boy gets blue girl) which is buried in a spectacular display of mind-boggling technological advances and whiz-bang special effects. A pretty movie, that I WILL give you.

But this whole business about comparing it to other films like Dances with Wolves blah blah blah on account of what some perceive are numerous subplots that suggest soul searching depth on the part of the film maker? Please. I may puke.

Avatar comes to you from James Cameron, the same director who years ago postulated that two people were able to muck about the sinkingTitanic in waist deep frigid water with no signs of hypothermia. And yet these yodels, presumably deep in love and thinking of a life together, were unable to negotiate how the two of them could float on a pretty large piece of wood. And so one died. Eeeek. But it won a ton of Oscars, as undoubtedly Avatar will.

Cameron knows exactly what audiences want to see, and he makes money pandering Pandoras and other fantasy worlds. Titanic gave us luxe sets and gorgeous clothing and a window into another era. Pandora takes us flying (in 3D) through lush jungles all in vivid, crayola colors.

But Avatar is just a movie, a movie, nothing but a creative endeavor by a man who has oodles of money and has proved that he can attract wide audiences to watch some pretty sappy stuff. Pandora is not real, and it never will be.

To read that many who have seen it are experiencing depression because they cannot live on Pandora, or that their world seems gloomy and gray in contrast, is a sad commentary on the mindset of the movie going public these days.

At least, it's enough to make me blue.

Amen, and pass the mustard.